Transition: Part 1

Transition. This word can very much sum up the last 6 months of my life.

As I write this, it was exactly 6 months ago when I recited my vows to my beautiful wife Nicole in front of all our friends and family. Next to my decision to follow Christ and his calling, this was the best decision I have ever made. I don’t know how I convinced her to take the plunge with me, but she did. With this big day came some big changes in my life. That was transition #1.

Transition #2 happened when we answered God’s call to move to Lexington, Kentucky – a galaxy far, far away from anything we were used to! We found ourselves in the land of horse races, big lady hats for those races, and bourbon – the drink of choice for many attenders of those races. Oh, and the hometown of the collegiate national champions, the Kentucky Wildcats. (For any of you who know me, you know how hard it was for me to even type that.) As a much more hip Dorothy would have said, “We’re not in Colorado anymore, Toto.”

Transition #3 happened as I accepted a job and calling to be the Middle School Pastor at Southland Christian Church. It was painstakingly difficult to leave Vanguard, our church back in Colorado, but we were confident that God was calling us here. Southland is a much bigger church (around 12,000 people), and is a multi-site church. With these changes brings new responsibilities and processes to my position that I am learning and experiencing. It’s all very fun, but it is still a big transition nevertheless.

Last week as I thought about all the transitions and changes that we have gone through, coupled with the fact that I think about middle school ministry constantly, I began to see parallels and lessons that could be transferred over to the world of an early adolescent. As I’ve mentioned before on the blog, the one word I use to describe this age group is change. Going through so much change can bring about a lot of insecurities, no matter who you are.

For example, as Nicole and I moved to a new city where we literally knew nobody, I felt insecure with hopes that people would like us and want to be friends with us. Is this not what a 6th grader feels when they start middle school?

Or when I started my new job, I had to learn a whole new structure and process for the day-to-day office life. Many times I felt so foolish because I didn’t know how to work the copier or turn the sound system on. Isn’t this what it’s like to be the new 7th grader at school, with a whole set of lockers and class structure that you don’t understand? Or even like kids experiencing puberty, feeling awkward and uncomfortable, trying not to stick out like a sore thumb to everyone else who has it “figured out”?

Last weekend I got the opportunity to visit North Point Community Church in Atlanta with our student ministries team to observe and learn from the way they do middle school ministry there. One of the biggest things that struck me was so simple: the name of their middle school ministry is Transit. It’s as if they looked at the 6th-8th grade years and instead of ignoring the blaring reality of crazy change, they acknowledged it in the most public way possible. I love how they invite students into their culture with the open understanding that these particular kids are going through transit-ion, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

My challenge to you today is to look back at the last big transition in your life: marriage, a job, school, or whatever. Identify the emotions and insecurities you felt on a daily basis. Now magnify those feelings x100 and you might begin to feel what it’s like to be a middle schooler again. Then, just as Jesus went into the homes and lives of the people to whom he was ministering, you may just catch a deeper glimpse into the heart and soul of the middle schooler that you are pouring your life into.

And instead of being a problem-fixer, we can be the one to sit next to them on the bench, put a hand on their shoulder, and say, “Yep, I get it.”

The Three Types of Language

Think back on the last three conversations you had with middle schoolers. How would you characterize those conversations? Were you relaying information, trying to persuade, or building personal relationships?

In his book the “Contemplative Pastor,” Eugene Peterson notes that there are three types of language he uses in running a church:

1. Descriptive Language – This language informs the listener of ideas or content. Peterson says that descriptive language is about, or in other words, it names what is there. It expresses reality. He rightly notes that schools specialize in this language.
2. Motivational Language – This language seeks to persuade or convince the listener to do or think something. This language is for, or in other words, it “uses words to get things done,” as Peterson explains. It is generally used to get someone to do something that they wouldn’t do on their own initiative.
3. Personal Language – This language is the language of relationship. It connects the speaker with the listener. This language is to and with. Words are used to bring two people closer and more connected.

The interesting revelation that Peterson expresses is that churches specialize in the first two types of language – descriptive and motivational – while the third type of personal language is strangely absent. I have to say that I couldn’t agree with Peterson more, and here’s why:

Personal language opens and reveals our scarred hearts. 

Unless you have a steady discipline of vulnerable conversation in your life with trusted friends and family, the likelihood is that you will be very uncomfortable with personal language in ministry, and especially with middle schoolers. But what is the language of prayer? What is the language of the love of Christ? It is not descriptive or motivational, but personal. Yes, we need to teach and explain prayer and love, but how will our kids ever experience the depths of God’s grace if they are not loved into the kind of relationship that speaks in a personal language!

I know my tendency as a pastor/teacher. I am apt to explain a passage, exegeting and picking apart each verse to reveal the correct interpretation and application of the words of God. I am apt to artfully combine words to persuade kids to feel the need to change in their lives according to the words of Scripture. But do I naturally express my own personal love language with God? Do I naturally lead students in such a way as to build the relationship between them and God? Do I pray in such a way in front of students that models my inward personal connection to Jesus? Unfortunately for me, the answer is no. But I am working on it!

In the book Sticky Faith by Kara Powell and Brad Griffin, they revealed findings from their research that showed a conspicuous absence of prayer in the lives of college students after they graduate from our youth ministries. They said that “Less than half of the surveyed students said they prayed daily, and only 83 percent claimed to pray at least once a week” (143). Seriously?! While that number might seem promising, it still isn’t where it should be. Why is this the case? I think kids are unaware of the relational depth that prayer can bring to their lives because it was never modeled for them.

We need to train ourselves, youth pastors, parents, and our small group leaders to specialize in all three types of language. We need to equip those who lead our middle schoolers not just to communicate information, not just persuade students to make changes/do something, but also to model personal language that seeks to build relationship. How can we expect our students to have a dynamic, honest, vulnerable relationship with their Father if we never use that language in front of them?

Most of us are good at the descriptive and motivational languages. Not many are good at the personal language. How are you balancing the three types? Do you tend to lean towards one type of language more than the others? What can we do to bring more personal language into our families and churches?

The Big 13

Happy birthday! You just turned 13! Welcome to… adulthood?

The journey of a pre-teen becoming an official teenager is an adventure much bigger than we tend to acknowledge. It’s eerily similar to the 39-year-old going “over the hill” to his 40’s, except the thirteen-year-old tends to be a little more excited about his birthday…

One of my favorite things as a middle school pastor is when parents contact me wanting me to be involved with some unique thing they are doing for their 12-going-on-13-year-old. I can’t tell you how many letters or encouraging notes I have written to middle school guys who are turning thirteen because of some initiative that parents have taken to make the birthday experience a little more memorable.

In Jewish culture the thirteenth birthday brings with it the Bar- or Bat-Mitzpah. It’s their way of affirming the fact that the person is no longer a child; he or she is now an adult. There isn’t just a cake with a few candles and an all-nighter at Laser Tag. It’s an all-out ceremony and celebration of manhood or womanhood.  (I’ve secretly always wanted to sit in on one of these just to experience it first-hand.)

I’ve often wondered why Christianity doesn’t celebrate its teenagers in the same way. I strongly believe that we can change teenage culture if we took the entrance to adolescence more seriously. By communicating to our students that the next season of life will be different with bigger responsibility and bigger temptation, we can prepare our kids for the journey ahead – not just through practical wisdom and advice, but through deeper relationships with older men and women.

There is a lot of discussion today about something called “extended adolescence.” This is the idea that many people never “graduate” to adulthood and remain stuck in this period of extended adolescence, lacking in wisdom and drive to contribute to society in the way that many expect them to do. It is my belief that extended adolescence happens as a result of a lack of older men and women in teenagers’ lives who take the time to stop and challenge them with the new life they need to embrace. I am not saying that we can’t let kids be kids or have fun; in fact, I think “fun” is an essential piece of learning to be an adult. But I am saying that we need to be more “ritualistic” in the way that we invite students into adulthood.

Let me give you a few examples of what I’m talking about.

Last fall I was invited to be a part of one of our students turning thirteen. His dad invited five older men who had invested in the student’s life to come to their house one night for some food and movie entertainment. The student had always wanted to see the movie Braveheart, but his dad wanted him to wait until he was thirteen, the age of manhood. So on his 13^th birthday we all watched Braveheart and enjoyed all of its manliness! After the movie ended, the dad asked each of the men to share some wisdom with the student about being a man and the challenges that will be facing him. It was incredible to watch the student pay close attention to each man’s unique advice and wisdom. To finish the night, the dad gave a gift to his son that signified his new manhood, and we all prayed over him.

Another example I heard about was a dad asked his twelve-year-old son what five older men he looked up to the most within their church. The dad then asked these men if they would spend one day over the summer with his son doing any kind of activity. One man took the student hiking, another watched movies with him, another took him to job-shadow at the police department, and so forth. During these days the dad gave each man some questions he wanted them to answer for his son regarding manhood and what it looked like to be a godly man in the normal routine of everyday life. At the end of the summer they all came together for a birthday barbeque and the student got to share what lessons he learned from each man. The cool thing was the men enjoyed the journey with the student so much that they continue to get together every year for the student’s birthday and instill wisdom in his life.

Are you starting to see the possibilities? As I mentioned before, I get contacted regularly by parents who ask me and a host of other adults to write a letter for their student who is about to turn 13. In fact, ironically while I was writing this blog, I got an e-mail from a dad in the middle school ministry asking me to write such a letter for his son’s birthday in June. How cool is that?! The dad is planning some other awesome activities to do with just him and his son in order to, in his words, “acknowledge the significance of this event for him… and his coming into manhood.” Yes!

What are some creative ideas you’ve had for students turning thirteen? What are some ways you’ve used to help your kids encounter Jesus and enter adulthood?

Don’t Be the Answer-Guy

Don’t you just love when middle schoolers ask deep questions?

If one of my students asks a really good question during a youth group or small group function, my heart just lights up. Whether it has anything to do with the actual topic we’re talking about… well, I don’t really care! Whenever I see evidence of a thinking process happening, I feel validated as a youth worker. Two weeks ago in my middle school Life Group, one of my 7th grade guys asked this question: “If we believe in God, does that automatically mean we have to trust in God? Or does it come later as you grow in your faith?” Man, I just about jumped out of my seat in excitement!

I know it may seem like not a big deal, but to me, it is evidence of genuine faith development. What is your philosophy of faith development? We need to start with this question because if you don’t have a clear and research-based philosophy of faith development, you may end up being very frustrated with middle school ministry or with parenting middle schoolers.

This really smart guy named James Fowler created a stage-theory of faith development after his extensive research in the field. He found that generally 12-18 year olds are in a stage called “Synthetic-Conventional Faith.” What does this mean? The “synthetic” description means that these particular kids haven’t truly authenticated their faith; it can be very fake, like synthetical material. I don’t think Fowler’s intention was the demean the faith that these students have. Rather, I think he was alluding to the fact that many of these students haven’t gone through trial or some trauma that makes them reflect on the faith that they claim. Often it takes an event, a broken relationship, a painful experience, or a debate in class to force these students to examine what they truly believe and why they believe it.

The “conventional” description means that these kids look to the convention of trusted people around them to determine what they should believe. In other words, they will look to their parents, teachers, youth pastors, and yes, especially their closest friends, to tell them what they should believe. It’s a highly dependent stage, though many do not realize they are doing this. They want to feel like they are part of the majority if they are still in this stage. So instead of doing their own exploration or discovery, they will ask someone in the “convention” to tell them what to think, not how to think.

Fowler also said that many people never graduate from this stage, and in fact, we have many adults who are still here! Sitting in our congregations we have many people who haven’t truly examined their own faith and simply wait for the pastor to tell them what to think about a certain topic. Is this the kind of faith Paul prayed for in Ephesians 1:17-19, which says,

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

Something about those verses makes me think that synthetic-conventional faith is not the kind of faith that Paul had in mind…

So how do we help our students move past this stage to the next stage of faith (Individuative-Reflective)? I have just a few ideas:

1. Encourage question-asking. If a student doesn’t fully agree with whatever you’re saying, allow them to do so! But then encourage them to explain their thinking and dig deeper to see if there is any life experience that is dictating that belief. Allow them to discover any flaws in their thinking by themselves, and it will actually take root in their mind.
2. When students ask questions in group settings, allow other students to answer. My biggest temptation in ministry is to answer big theological questions with all the education I received from my Bible and theology classes in college. But the problem with this is that I would just be continuing the trend of “conventional” faith by being the answer-guy. Answer-guys don’t build deeper faith; they’re just glorified versions of Google. Allow other students to attempt answering their questions! This will not only be beneficial for the original student, but for the answering students as well. It is a safe place to explore and communicate doubts. Now, occasionally the question will be so deep and theologically complex that no one really knows how to answer. In this case, explain the answer by asking more questions. And if all else fails, the last resort is to answer the question yourself. But make sure it’s the last resort!
3. Always ask the question, “Why?” When I’m leading a small group, and a student gives a good Sunday-school type answer, I love asking them, “Why do  you believe that?” or “Where in the Bible does it say that?” These two questions can be instrumental in forcing them to examine their own faith. I led a group of middle school guys for four years (when we ended the group, they were in high school), and I asked those questions so much, they started to ask each other the same questions before I could even ask them! They learned not to give cheap answers and started examining their own faith.

What would you add to this list? Have you found any good methods for helping our students move to the next stage of faith?

Planting for Tomorrow

Whether you’re a youth pastor, a volunteer, a teacher, or a parent, you know that investing in middle school students can be a difficult experience at times. It’s not always hard, and it shouldn’t be, but there are times when everyone wonders, “Is this worth it? Am I making a difference?” I go back to those questions at least a couple times per year. Only by the grace and power of God do I persevere and remember this important truth:

I am a seed planter.

When I meet with a small group of middle school students and teach them the truth from Matthew 5:11, does every student go to school the next morning and seek to be persecuted because God will bless them if they are insulted for His name? No! (But wouldn’t that be cool?!) I have to lay the foundation before truths start to translate into action and fruit in their lives. Listen to this quote from Eugene Peterson, who writes of pastoral work within his congregation:

“The person…who looks for quick results in the seed planting of well-doing will be disappointed. If I want potatoes for dinner tomorrow, it will do me little good to go out and plant potatoes in my garden tonight. There are long stretches of darkness and invisibility and silence that separate planting and reaping. During the stretches of waiting there is cultivating and weeding and nurturing and planting still other seeds.” (Traveling Light)

We need to remember our roles in middle school ministry as seed planters. It is easy to get frustrated and question our effectiveness when we see little change. But reflect on what Peterson says in the quote… If we want potatoes for dinner tomorrow, it doesn’t do us any good to plant the potatoes tonight! Of course, as Americans we start to think about the other option to just go buy potatoes at the grocery store, but that’s not how the Holy Spirit works. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but the norm in our kind of ministry is of long waiting and often long suffering. So you have to choose if you’re willing to be faithful in the ministry of seed-planting: watering, nurturing, weeding, planting new seeds… It’s not easy business. But trust in the Lord and His work – It’s not about ME or YOU, but only about HIM.

Some people have asked me how I measure success in middle school ministry. I always tell them, “Ask me again in 10 years.” I know that for many of the students I have been in contact with over my years in middle school ministry, the change won’t happen until later in their lives. Now, that doesn’t excuse us from teaching, exhorting, and even rebuking sin in their lives today, but it does release us from expecting results immediately. One of my favorite things in ministry is when one of my former students contacts me and tells me about the Kingdom-things they are doing in the name of Jesus now in college or even in high school. Just recently I’ve been inspired by a former student of mine named Karly, who courageously faces a difficult immunodeficiency called Dock-8 everyday and still gives praise to God. She writes a blog for others to see for themselves how she maintains her faith in Christ. You can see that here: http://kjkdancingthroughtherain.blogspot.com/

The truth is that one day we might even learn from our own students if we give them the time to grow in the knowledge and love of Christ. Be patient. Love deeply. Trust in the Lord.

How do you plant, water, nurture, weed, and plant again with the students in your influence?

A Middle Schooler’s Psalm

Yesterday at our middle school service, we decided to mix it up for worship. Instead of having live music from a band, we opted to have worship stations. Each station was designed to help the students creatively express their worship to God. It’s not a revolutionary idea by any means, but it was the first time trying this with the middle schoolers, so I was a little nervous. But WOW, they responded so well! There’s nothing more heart-warming and humbling than seeing middle schoolers praying for each other.

One station we put together was centered around the students reading Psalm 139, answering a few reflective questions about the Psalm, and then writing their own personal Psalm to God. I told the students that it didn’t need to be poetic or rhyme or anything like that; it simply needed to be their own expression of who God is to them. I want our students to understand that worship is both a communal and personal spiritual discipline. I wanted their personalities to come out through their writing.

Today I got to read through several Psalms that our students wrote. I was so moved by them that I decided to post a few on here to both encourage you, and to get some great insight into the worshipful heart of a middle school student. Enjoy!

Number 1 – Very poetic and rhymes, but also very honest.

God, you are everlasting love, shining down from above.
God, you are never-ending care, compassionate beyond compare.
God, you created me and this earth, you knew me before my birth.
God, I give you my heart so full of sin; you take me still, you are the most loving member of my kin.
WE LOVE YOU!

Number 2 – Love the ending of this one

Lord, how can I rise every morning and know the evil I have made and looked for.
Sometimes I believe there is a place to hide from your grace, but there is none,
And I’m so exposed, feel meek and small,
But with you I feel as courageous as a lion.

Number 3 – This one is painfully honest and really reveals the struggle within the flesh

I look around, I see His beautiful eyes, ever perfect on the outside a normal man, but on the inside I can here him say: let me in there, it’s dark and cold, let me in, I will shine your world. I go to school and forget all about him. When I turn around I see a nerd get pushed around, I thought nothin I can do then I hear him sayin: let me in there, it’s dark and cold, let me in, I will shine your world. I run and let God in and help those in need

Number 4 – I like how this one expresses who God is to the student

You’re always there
I shall never fear
For you are always near

You always care
When I cry
You are always by my side

You know what’s best
God, you are always to be Lord
To be Lord through night and morn’

You are my Father,
my Savior,
my healer

You love forever
You’re here forever
You ARE FOREVER

We need to create space for middle schoolers to express their pain, their doubts, their joy, their excitement! I think too often we count our 6th, 7th, and 8th graders out because, as one middle school volunteer in a different church told me, they “don’t have enough life experience to understand real pain or joy.” Well, if you read those middle schooler’s psalms, I think you see plenty of pain and joy. We need to be more creative to help our students express their emotions and thoughts about God and faith. And when we do… well, we might experience our own kind of pain and joy as we enter the story of a teenager.

The Power of Hello

“Hey! I’m David. How’s it going?”

I’m starting to wonder how many times I’ve repeated that phrase or something similar to it in youth ministry settings. I think it’s a pretty natural thing to say. It doesn’t take a youth ministry veteran to think of that one. But I’m starting to think that God has divinely blessed that exact phrase because of the impact it’s had on so many kids I know.

Okay maybe that’s over-stating it a little (though I’d like to see you prove me wrong!). But recently I have truly been amazed when I look around our middle school room and see some faces consistently every week that I never thought would become some of our core kids. These particular kids were those kids who came to our church every single week and even hung out with each other, but never stepped foot in our middle school theater. (Yes, our church is in an old movie theater. And yes, it is awesome to have a whole theater for middle school stuff.). I really have a heart for these kids.

On one hand, I can say that I don’t blame them. It can be really intimidating walking into our crazy room with the music blasting and kids running around playing ping pong and foosball or hanging out on the couches. It’d be easy to turn the other way into the safe anonymity of the “adult scene.” I get that. But I refuse to accept it.

Every time I see a middle schooler outside of our room, I make it a priority to say “hello” to them even if it’s just for a second. I don’t pressure them to come to youth group. I don’t guilt them for not joining one of our Life Groups. I just say hello. And I’m starting to think this should become our new outreach program!

I’m thinking of two students (a guy and a girl) in particular who have become regulars in our youth group when they used to avoid eye contact as they walked past the middle school room. When I first met the guy, he was very shy and seemed really uninterested in socializing. I think our conversation lasted a solid 30 seconds before it slid to an awkward, painful halt. In my early years in ministry that would have frustrated me beyond anything. But I have learned that those short, awkward conversations are all seeds in God’s plan for these students. Every week I’d find the area he’d hang out in and commence our normal, short conversation before the first service. Each week I’d learn one new interesting fact about his outdoor interests, his love for reading, and so forth. Finally after months of minute “hellos”, he stepped foot in our youth group. Not long after that, he started serving as a student leader. Now he’s connected to other students and has become one of the most dependable students we have – one that doesn’t just show up for fun, but truly wants to grow.

When I first met the other student, a girl, she had that deer-in-the-headlights look when I said hello. I’m pretty sure “hello” was the only word I could get out before she would turn to find a friend or something to do. But I refused to stop saying hi. Every week I’d make it a point to say hello even if I felt like she didn’t care either way. Then some of our female leaders took the extra step to get to know this student in non-church settings. All of a sudden this girl showed up to youth group! And she didn’t just hide either; she really engaged with other students. Now she has become one of our regulars who is also involved in our Life Groups. She even talks to me now! Haha!

These may be simple stories that don’t really impress many of you. And that’s ok. My intention is not to impress, but rather, to un-impress you with the simplicity of ministry. Sometimes we create programs and events so elaborate, there is no way they can be repeated or sustained. And in our busy-ness of planning, we neglect the informal “Greeting Ministry” AKA saying hello to students! I have such a strong conviction about this that I do my best to say hello to every student that walks through our doors on a Sunday. This can be very difficult with the large number of kids that have been coming to our ministry. But as a pastor, I am simply not okay with a student coming to church and not being greeted by at least one person.

We have to remember that one of the biggest roadblocks to evangelism and discipleship in our ministries is the front door. If you really think of it, the front door is usually the biggest hump that students have to climb in order to feel like church or youth group is a place that they want to be at. The first impression of a youth group can often be a lasting one.

This is a lesson I re-learn every week. We are not perfect. I get new inspiration to make our ministry more welcoming every Sunday. But I try to remember above all the simplicity of saying “hello”. I have a strong conviction that saying hello can be the first seed in a student’s life to help them encounter the love and grace of Jesus Christ.

How hospitable is your ministry? How hospitable are you? If you were a teenager in your church would you feel welcomed by the staff, volunteers, and students in your youth group?

The Words You Speak (And Those You Don’t)

First of all, let me apologize for my hiatus from the blog. I really only like to write when I feel passionate about a particular topic, as opposed to simply writing my thoughts just because I feel like doing so. Lately my mind has been buzzing with new thoughts surrounding middle school ministry, so I’d like to re-start the conversation!

Today I want to talk about something called the “Explicit, Hidden, and Null Curriculum.” Now before I lose you because of the boring nature of the blog’s subject today, I think this topic is of extreme importance for anyone who interacts with teenagers, especially middle schoolers! But first, an example.

Let’s say “Youth Leader Bob” is leading a small group with five 7^th grade boys on the topic of self-control. Throughout the discussion, Bob has the guys look at different Bible verses on self-control and explains, “Once a Christian grows closer to Jesus, the Christian will naturally have more self-control in areas of temptation in his or her life.” When they talk about specific ways to apply what they’ve learned that week, they talk about having self-control with their anger when their siblings annoy them, having self-control to do their homework instead of play video games, and having self-control with the words that they speak. They pray and then dismiss.

At first glance, this would be a good small group, don’t you think? They talked about a relevant topic for middle schoolers, read what Scripture has to say on the topic, and discussed ways to apply what they learned. This is a very glass-half-full approach to ministry. In other words, we look at what they did talk about, but we hardly look at what they didn’t talk about.

Whenever we started talking about teaching and learning strategies in my Christian education classes in college, the topic of curriculum would always come up. (And I’m not talking about the pre-made small group books you can buy). There are basically three types of “curriculum” in teaching:

1)      EXPLICIT CURRICULUM: This is what you are overtly teaching your students. In the example above, Bob explicitly taught his students that, “Once a Christian grows closer to Jesus, the Christian will naturally have more self-control in areas of temptation in his or her life.” Think of the “explicit curriculum” as the very blatant and obvious teaching points that you make.

2)      HIDDEN CURRICULUM: This is what you teach in subtle ways that aren’t always open and obvious. The hidden curriculum can come from the overarching principles of your teaching methodology or even the way you set up a room. For example, if you set up your youth room with hard chairs in straight rows facing the podium, the “hidden curriculum” you are teaching is that youth group is a place to come, sit down, and listen to a lecturer from the front. Your set-up makes it clear in subtle ways that it is not a place for discussion. In the example of Bob the Youth Leader, the hidden curriculum was that if students were not succeeding in the area of self control, it was because they were not close to Jesus. (Read the exact the words he said if you’re unsure how this came to be). Do you see how the way we say certain things can promote a hidden curriculum that (sometimes) we may not even intend to do so?

3)      NULL CURRICULUM: This is what you do not teach or mention in discussion. It’s what you decide – intentionally or unintentionally – not to teach. It’s a very simple thing. But it’s also a dangerous thing as well. In the example of Bob the Youth Leader, one part (out of many) of the null curriculum was the area of sexual temptation. Bob did not mention anything about how Jesus and self-control help the guys to fight the temptation of lust or pornography. By NOT teaching about the arena of sexual self-control, Bob taught the students that sex is simply not an appropriate topic to discuss in small group with other guys.

I think that so often we as youth workers and parents have our agenda on what we think the students ought to learn or think about. But how often do we stop and ask ourselves, “What are the hidden messages we’re sending our students? What are we NOT teaching?” Honestly, I believe these two questions are equally (if not more) important than the original question about what we ARE teaching.

And this doesn’t just apply to our formal teaching times or discussions with our kids in the car on the way home from school. There’s that old adage that most learning is caught, not taught. There is hidden and null curriculum in the way we teaching with our examples and lives. For example, when kids walk into the Hive youth group, they might see our male and female leaders talking and laughing with each other in respectful ways. The hidden curriculum we’re teaching our students is that guys and girls can interact with each other in respectful and friendly ways without any hidden motives.

Another example might be at dinner in the home one night. Mom gets a call from a friend who is struggling through a situation at work. Mom listens, speaks kind words, encourages this other woman, and then hangs up. After Mom hangs up, she starts complaining about how needy this other woman is, how Mom has enough things to think about without this woman’s problems, and so forth. The hidden curriculum that Mom is teaching her child is that it’s okay to act kindly to someone’s face and then turn around and gossip about them when they’re not listening anymore.

Our words and our actions contain all three curricula: explicit, hidden, and null. What do are you intentionally doing to make sure that your message lines up across all three lines? How do you as a youth worker or parent make sure your hidden and null curriculum are not working in opposition to your explicit curriculum?

Talking to Middle Schoolers about the L-Word

We see it in the movies. We hear it in our music. And we hear it on the lips of our middle schoolers, those three big words: “I love you.”

With as much ease as eating their sandwich for lunch, our students quickly and passively talk about the love they feel. They love their best friend. They love their cell phone. They love not having homework.

 But I wonder where they get their definition of love. As I’ve mentioned before, most learning is caught, not taught. With that understanding, it is easy to see how models (parents, musicians, friends, etc.) shape our students’ perceptions of the big L-word. But what are the models in students’ lives teaching them about love?

I had the privilege (and adventure) of substitute teaching in a local middle school on Valentine’s Day. I felt like I needed to video-record the whole experience, because it was quite a sociological study! The school had a fundraiser in the weeks leading up to V-Day during which students could buy “candy-grams” with a note attached to them and send them anonymously to their secret (or not-so-secret) crush. During the first class period of the day, the candy-grams were delivered to the recipients, which resulted in a flood comparable to the disaster that hit Noah’s Ark, except this time it was a flood of emotions.

Certain boys and girls would be covered with candy grams, up to six or seven a piece, while many went without a single piece of candy. There were shouts of jubilation as a girl received her long-awaited candy-gram from her middle school boyfriend. There was silence in other parts of the room where that long-awaited candy-gram never came for another girl. And, of course, there was also a lot of…well… bragging. Certain students felt the need to boast about how many candy-grams they got compared to how many another student received.

And in due course the middle school students learned by experience that love is all about popularity. That’s a solid worldview right there! (Please note the sarcasm…)

My “youth pastor mindset” kicked in immediately as I watched the clash of excitement and disappointment in the room. I couldn’t help but wonder where our society has gone wrong in teaching our young students about the concept of love. Is it really as cheap as getting candy-grams on Valentine’s Day? Or is it much deeper, like that of Jesus Christ on the cross? 

I strongly believe we need to be much more intentional with the way we teach (and model) “love” to our middle schoolers. We need to teach the biblical/Christian worldview of love; that is, love is laying down your life for another. Here are just a couple verses that help shape our Christian worldview of love:

1 John 3:16 – This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another.

1 John 4:10 – This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as atoning sacrifice for our sins.

John 13:34-45 – A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

What is the common thread in these three verses? What is the standard of love that is expressed? What is the best model of love we could ever provide our students?

None other than Jesus Christ.

It sounds like the “Sunday School answer.” It seems too easy. (Side note: my ministry professors in college warned us about the Sunday School answer. Some people are quick to give the easy answer when they’re in church. You can ask them what’s brown and furry and runs around in trees, and the answer you’ll get? Jesus, of course. Not a squirrel…).

But in order to teach a truly, distinctively Christian worldview on love, we have to invite our students into the story of Jesus Christ. We are always gripped by story. Stories are welcoming. Stories teach. We need to help students see their part in the love story of Jesus Christ.

Our middle schoolers see the “love stories” in movies like Twilight and in popular radio like Bruno Mars’ new “Grenade” song. Our students’ perceptions of love are being shaped by the world more than it is being shaped by Jesus and caring adult mentors. This has to change!

In February we spent the whole month doing a teaching series on real love from a Christian worldview. We wanted to help students see beyond the movies and music and understand the sacrifice and service that real love requires. We talked about love as a decision we make, not an emotion we feel. This goes beyond romance; this is how love was modeled by Jesus Christ for all humanity. In our students’ relationships with family members and friends, their love should be expressed in selflessness, not in the ugly narcissistic fashion we see in the world.

 What do your teenagers think about love? What shapes their worldview? What are you doing to teach and model real love to the students in your influence?

Changes

I want you to think about the most awkward feeling you had in middle school. Go ahead. Think back. Don’t keep reading this until you have an awkward feeling in mind. Got it? Okay.

Did you feel alone in that moment or experience? I definitely did.

When I was in middle school, I felt that puberty was my arch-nemesis. It was my Lex Luther, my Doctor Octopus, my greatest foe that always showed up when I least wanted it to. (For those of you who didn’t catch those references, I was referring to Superman’s and Spiderman’s greatest enemies. This whole thinking-back-to-my-middle-school-years thing got me thinking about the superheroes of my childhood!).

I hated puberty. It was awkward and always left me feeling like I was the only one in the room going through it. I remember sitting in English class after lunch in 7^th grade wondering if I was some anomaly of a human being who was being forced to change physically while everyone else grew normally. And, of course, there wasn’t a chance that I’d talk to anyone about it, because that would only lead to more awkwardness and the inescapable feeling that I was different from every other kid my age.

My response may sound over-the-top, but I don’t think my experience in middle school was unique. Puberty brings on this sense that “I am not normal” and increases the insecurities that already define the middle school years. I believe every student at some point wonders if anyone else feels the way that they do.

In our churches we talk about “wholistic ministry” with a general understanding that in order to love another human being we should care about more than just their spiritual state; we should care about their physical state as well. In the past 10 years we have had this incredible push in our churches towards pursuing justice for the poor that has resulted in an awakening for many nominal Christians. We are seeing that we can’t just preach at the homeless on the street; on the contrary, we’ve seen that to “be Jesus” to them, we need to care for their physical needs like providing them food, helping them get job training and housing, etc. I got the privilege in the summer of 2009 to do exactly this in Los Angeles with a homeless ministry out there. We understood that “to love your neighbor as yourself,” you must care for them in the SAME ways you’d care for yourself. I loved the focus on wholistic ministry.

Is there not an opportunity for wholistic ministry with our well-fed, financially healthy (i.e. dependent) middle school students as well? We look at our 11-14 year olds in the church and seem to care only about their spiritual state. Of course the church exists to care about their spiritual life, but why do we stop there?

I strongly believe that the middle school parallel of providing food for the hungry is helping them understand that the changes they’re going through are normal and part of God’s perfect plan for their bodies. We need to normalize their experience and help them understand that God’s way of loving them in their middle school years is to develop their bodies in unique ways.

Because we can’t see middle schooler’s emotions on their shoulders, we don’t often acknowledge them in the way we could acknowledge someone’s physical hunger. But the inner pain and insecurity within a student’s heart in middle school is enough to determine the direction of the rest of their life. If we don’t help them see the normalcy of their experience and see God’s hand upon their life, they may go through life wondering if God is a personal God and if He really cares about their daily life.

It is my opinion that in order to “love (your middle schooler) as yourself,” you must take the opportunity to affirm the way that God is growing their body. Sure, there is plenty of opportunity for awkwardness. But imagine the awkwardness that could result if you don’t say anything. This past January we did a teaching series in our middle school ministry called “Changes.” My whole focus was helping them understand that changes are inevitable in life, good or bad, but God’s hand is always upon us as we change. Change is essential for growth and maturity, and that’s a fact for our spirituality AND our physical body.

Do you think it’s important to talk to middle schoolers about the physical changes they’re experiencing? What does wholistic ministry with 11-14 year olds look like? What advice would you give other parents or youth workers when addressing this topic?