Planting for Tomorrow

Whether you’re a youth pastor, a volunteer, a teacher, or a parent, you know that investing in middle school students can be a difficult experience at times. It’s not always hard, and it shouldn’t be, but there are times when everyone wonders, “Is this worth it? Am I making a difference?” I go back to those questions at least a couple times per year. Only by the grace and power of God do I persevere and remember this important truth:

I am a seed planter.

When I meet with a small group of middle school students and teach them the truth from Matthew 5:11, does every student go to school the next morning and seek to be persecuted because God will bless them if they are insulted for His name? No! (But wouldn’t that be cool?!) I have to lay the foundation before truths start to translate into action and fruit in their lives. Listen to this quote from Eugene Peterson, who writes of pastoral work within his congregation:

“The person…who looks for quick results in the seed planting of well-doing will be disappointed. If I want potatoes for dinner tomorrow, it will do me little good to go out and plant potatoes in my garden tonight. There are long stretches of darkness and invisibility and silence that separate planting and reaping. During the stretches of waiting there is cultivating and weeding and nurturing and planting still other seeds.” (Traveling Light)

We need to remember our roles in middle school ministry as seed planters. It is easy to get frustrated and question our effectiveness when we see little change. But reflect on what Peterson says in the quote… If we want potatoes for dinner tomorrow, it doesn’t do us any good to plant the potatoes tonight! Of course, as Americans we start to think about the other option to just go buy potatoes at the grocery store, but that’s not how the Holy Spirit works. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but the norm in our kind of ministry is of long waiting and often long suffering. So you have to choose if you’re willing to be faithful in the ministry of seed-planting: watering, nurturing, weeding, planting new seeds… It’s not easy business. But trust in the Lord and His work – It’s not about ME or YOU, but only about HIM.

Some people have asked me how I measure success in middle school ministry. I always tell them, “Ask me again in 10 years.” I know that for many of the students I have been in contact with over my years in middle school ministry, the change won’t happen until later in their lives. Now, that doesn’t excuse us from teaching, exhorting, and even rebuking sin in their lives today, but it does release us from expecting results immediately. One of my favorite things in ministry is when one of my former students contacts me and tells me about the Kingdom-things they are doing in the name of Jesus now in college or even in high school. Just recently I’ve been inspired by a former student of mine named Karly, who courageously faces a difficult immunodeficiency called Dock-8 everyday and still gives praise to God. She writes a blog for others to see for themselves how she maintains her faith in Christ. You can see that here: http://kjkdancingthroughtherain.blogspot.com/

The truth is that one day we might even learn from our own students if we give them the time to grow in the knowledge and love of Christ. Be patient. Love deeply. Trust in the Lord.

How do you plant, water, nurture, weed, and plant again with the students in your influence?

A Middle Schooler’s Psalm

Yesterday at our middle school service, we decided to mix it up for worship. Instead of having live music from a band, we opted to have worship stations. Each station was designed to help the students creatively express their worship to God. It’s not a revolutionary idea by any means, but it was the first time trying this with the middle schoolers, so I was a little nervous. But WOW, they responded so well! There’s nothing more heart-warming and humbling than seeing middle schoolers praying for each other.

One station we put together was centered around the students reading Psalm 139, answering a few reflective questions about the Psalm, and then writing their own personal Psalm to God. I told the students that it didn’t need to be poetic or rhyme or anything like that; it simply needed to be their own expression of who God is to them. I want our students to understand that worship is both a communal and personal spiritual discipline. I wanted their personalities to come out through their writing.

Today I got to read through several Psalms that our students wrote. I was so moved by them that I decided to post a few on here to both encourage you, and to get some great insight into the worshipful heart of a middle school student. Enjoy!

Number 1 – Very poetic and rhymes, but also very honest.

God, you are everlasting love, shining down from above.
God, you are never-ending care, compassionate beyond compare.
God, you created me and this earth, you knew me before my birth.
God, I give you my heart so full of sin; you take me still, you are the most loving member of my kin.
WE LOVE YOU!

Number 2 – Love the ending of this one

Lord, how can I rise every morning and know the evil I have made and looked for.
Sometimes I believe there is a place to hide from your grace, but there is none,
And I’m so exposed, feel meek and small,
But with you I feel as courageous as a lion.

Number 3 – This one is painfully honest and really reveals the struggle within the flesh

I look around, I see His beautiful eyes, ever perfect on the outside a normal man, but on the inside I can here him say: let me in there, it’s dark and cold, let me in, I will shine your world. I go to school and forget all about him. When I turn around I see a nerd get pushed around, I thought nothin I can do then I hear him sayin: let me in there, it’s dark and cold, let me in, I will shine your world. I run and let God in and help those in need

Number 4 – I like how this one expresses who God is to the student

You’re always there
I shall never fear
For you are always near

You always care
When I cry
You are always by my side

You know what’s best
God, you are always to be Lord
To be Lord through night and morn’

You are my Father,
my Savior,
my healer

You love forever
You’re here forever
You ARE FOREVER

We need to create space for middle schoolers to express their pain, their doubts, their joy, their excitement! I think too often we count our 6th, 7th, and 8th graders out because, as one middle school volunteer in a different church told me, they “don’t have enough life experience to understand real pain or joy.” Well, if you read those middle schooler’s psalms, I think you see plenty of pain and joy. We need to be more creative to help our students express their emotions and thoughts about God and faith. And when we do… well, we might experience our own kind of pain and joy as we enter the story of a teenager.

The Power of Hello

“Hey! I’m David. How’s it going?”

I’m starting to wonder how many times I’ve repeated that phrase or something similar to it in youth ministry settings. I think it’s a pretty natural thing to say. It doesn’t take a youth ministry veteran to think of that one. But I’m starting to think that God has divinely blessed that exact phrase because of the impact it’s had on so many kids I know.

Okay maybe that’s over-stating it a little (though I’d like to see you prove me wrong!). But recently I have truly been amazed when I look around our middle school room and see some faces consistently every week that I never thought would become some of our core kids. These particular kids were those kids who came to our church every single week and even hung out with each other, but never stepped foot in our middle school theater. (Yes, our church is in an old movie theater. And yes, it is awesome to have a whole theater for middle school stuff.). I really have a heart for these kids.

On one hand, I can say that I don’t blame them. It can be really intimidating walking into our crazy room with the music blasting and kids running around playing ping pong and foosball or hanging out on the couches. It’d be easy to turn the other way into the safe anonymity of the “adult scene.” I get that. But I refuse to accept it.

Every time I see a middle schooler outside of our room, I make it a priority to say “hello” to them even if it’s just for a second. I don’t pressure them to come to youth group. I don’t guilt them for not joining one of our Life Groups. I just say hello. And I’m starting to think this should become our new outreach program!

I’m thinking of two students (a guy and a girl) in particular who have become regulars in our youth group when they used to avoid eye contact as they walked past the middle school room. When I first met the guy, he was very shy and seemed really uninterested in socializing. I think our conversation lasted a solid 30 seconds before it slid to an awkward, painful halt. In my early years in ministry that would have frustrated me beyond anything. But I have learned that those short, awkward conversations are all seeds in God’s plan for these students. Every week I’d find the area he’d hang out in and commence our normal, short conversation before the first service. Each week I’d learn one new interesting fact about his outdoor interests, his love for reading, and so forth. Finally after months of minute “hellos”, he stepped foot in our youth group. Not long after that, he started serving as a student leader. Now he’s connected to other students and has become one of the most dependable students we have – one that doesn’t just show up for fun, but truly wants to grow.

When I first met the other student, a girl, she had that deer-in-the-headlights look when I said hello. I’m pretty sure “hello” was the only word I could get out before she would turn to find a friend or something to do. But I refused to stop saying hi. Every week I’d make it a point to say hello even if I felt like she didn’t care either way. Then some of our female leaders took the extra step to get to know this student in non-church settings. All of a sudden this girl showed up to youth group! And she didn’t just hide either; she really engaged with other students. Now she has become one of our regulars who is also involved in our Life Groups. She even talks to me now! Haha!

These may be simple stories that don’t really impress many of you. And that’s ok. My intention is not to impress, but rather, to un-impress you with the simplicity of ministry. Sometimes we create programs and events so elaborate, there is no way they can be repeated or sustained. And in our busy-ness of planning, we neglect the informal “Greeting Ministry” AKA saying hello to students! I have such a strong conviction about this that I do my best to say hello to every student that walks through our doors on a Sunday. This can be very difficult with the large number of kids that have been coming to our ministry. But as a pastor, I am simply not okay with a student coming to church and not being greeted by at least one person.

We have to remember that one of the biggest roadblocks to evangelism and discipleship in our ministries is the front door. If you really think of it, the front door is usually the biggest hump that students have to climb in order to feel like church or youth group is a place that they want to be at. The first impression of a youth group can often be a lasting one.

This is a lesson I re-learn every week. We are not perfect. I get new inspiration to make our ministry more welcoming every Sunday. But I try to remember above all the simplicity of saying “hello”. I have a strong conviction that saying hello can be the first seed in a student’s life to help them encounter the love and grace of Jesus Christ.

How hospitable is your ministry? How hospitable are you? If you were a teenager in your church would you feel welcomed by the staff, volunteers, and students in your youth group?

The Words You Speak (And Those You Don’t)

First of all, let me apologize for my hiatus from the blog. I really only like to write when I feel passionate about a particular topic, as opposed to simply writing my thoughts just because I feel like doing so. Lately my mind has been buzzing with new thoughts surrounding middle school ministry, so I’d like to re-start the conversation!

Today I want to talk about something called the “Explicit, Hidden, and Null Curriculum.” Now before I lose you because of the boring nature of the blog’s subject today, I think this topic is of extreme importance for anyone who interacts with teenagers, especially middle schoolers! But first, an example.

Let’s say “Youth Leader Bob” is leading a small group with five 7^th grade boys on the topic of self-control. Throughout the discussion, Bob has the guys look at different Bible verses on self-control and explains, “Once a Christian grows closer to Jesus, the Christian will naturally have more self-control in areas of temptation in his or her life.” When they talk about specific ways to apply what they’ve learned that week, they talk about having self-control with their anger when their siblings annoy them, having self-control to do their homework instead of play video games, and having self-control with the words that they speak. They pray and then dismiss.

At first glance, this would be a good small group, don’t you think? They talked about a relevant topic for middle schoolers, read what Scripture has to say on the topic, and discussed ways to apply what they learned. This is a very glass-half-full approach to ministry. In other words, we look at what they did talk about, but we hardly look at what they didn’t talk about.

Whenever we started talking about teaching and learning strategies in my Christian education classes in college, the topic of curriculum would always come up. (And I’m not talking about the pre-made small group books you can buy). There are basically three types of “curriculum” in teaching:

1)      EXPLICIT CURRICULUM: This is what you are overtly teaching your students. In the example above, Bob explicitly taught his students that, “Once a Christian grows closer to Jesus, the Christian will naturally have more self-control in areas of temptation in his or her life.” Think of the “explicit curriculum” as the very blatant and obvious teaching points that you make.

2)      HIDDEN CURRICULUM: This is what you teach in subtle ways that aren’t always open and obvious. The hidden curriculum can come from the overarching principles of your teaching methodology or even the way you set up a room. For example, if you set up your youth room with hard chairs in straight rows facing the podium, the “hidden curriculum” you are teaching is that youth group is a place to come, sit down, and listen to a lecturer from the front. Your set-up makes it clear in subtle ways that it is not a place for discussion. In the example of Bob the Youth Leader, the hidden curriculum was that if students were not succeeding in the area of self control, it was because they were not close to Jesus. (Read the exact the words he said if you’re unsure how this came to be). Do you see how the way we say certain things can promote a hidden curriculum that (sometimes) we may not even intend to do so?

3)      NULL CURRICULUM: This is what you do not teach or mention in discussion. It’s what you decide – intentionally or unintentionally – not to teach. It’s a very simple thing. But it’s also a dangerous thing as well. In the example of Bob the Youth Leader, one part (out of many) of the null curriculum was the area of sexual temptation. Bob did not mention anything about how Jesus and self-control help the guys to fight the temptation of lust or pornography. By NOT teaching about the arena of sexual self-control, Bob taught the students that sex is simply not an appropriate topic to discuss in small group with other guys.

I think that so often we as youth workers and parents have our agenda on what we think the students ought to learn or think about. But how often do we stop and ask ourselves, “What are the hidden messages we’re sending our students? What are we NOT teaching?” Honestly, I believe these two questions are equally (if not more) important than the original question about what we ARE teaching.

And this doesn’t just apply to our formal teaching times or discussions with our kids in the car on the way home from school. There’s that old adage that most learning is caught, not taught. There is hidden and null curriculum in the way we teaching with our examples and lives. For example, when kids walk into the Hive youth group, they might see our male and female leaders talking and laughing with each other in respectful ways. The hidden curriculum we’re teaching our students is that guys and girls can interact with each other in respectful and friendly ways without any hidden motives.

Another example might be at dinner in the home one night. Mom gets a call from a friend who is struggling through a situation at work. Mom listens, speaks kind words, encourages this other woman, and then hangs up. After Mom hangs up, she starts complaining about how needy this other woman is, how Mom has enough things to think about without this woman’s problems, and so forth. The hidden curriculum that Mom is teaching her child is that it’s okay to act kindly to someone’s face and then turn around and gossip about them when they’re not listening anymore.

Our words and our actions contain all three curricula: explicit, hidden, and null. What do are you intentionally doing to make sure that your message lines up across all three lines? How do you as a youth worker or parent make sure your hidden and null curriculum are not working in opposition to your explicit curriculum?

Talking to Middle Schoolers about the L-Word

We see it in the movies. We hear it in our music. And we hear it on the lips of our middle schoolers, those three big words: “I love you.”

With as much ease as eating their sandwich for lunch, our students quickly and passively talk about the love they feel. They love their best friend. They love their cell phone. They love not having homework.

 But I wonder where they get their definition of love. As I’ve mentioned before, most learning is caught, not taught. With that understanding, it is easy to see how models (parents, musicians, friends, etc.) shape our students’ perceptions of the big L-word. But what are the models in students’ lives teaching them about love?

I had the privilege (and adventure) of substitute teaching in a local middle school on Valentine’s Day. I felt like I needed to video-record the whole experience, because it was quite a sociological study! The school had a fundraiser in the weeks leading up to V-Day during which students could buy “candy-grams” with a note attached to them and send them anonymously to their secret (or not-so-secret) crush. During the first class period of the day, the candy-grams were delivered to the recipients, which resulted in a flood comparable to the disaster that hit Noah’s Ark, except this time it was a flood of emotions.

Certain boys and girls would be covered with candy grams, up to six or seven a piece, while many went without a single piece of candy. There were shouts of jubilation as a girl received her long-awaited candy-gram from her middle school boyfriend. There was silence in other parts of the room where that long-awaited candy-gram never came for another girl. And, of course, there was also a lot of…well… bragging. Certain students felt the need to boast about how many candy-grams they got compared to how many another student received.

And in due course the middle school students learned by experience that love is all about popularity. That’s a solid worldview right there! (Please note the sarcasm…)

My “youth pastor mindset” kicked in immediately as I watched the clash of excitement and disappointment in the room. I couldn’t help but wonder where our society has gone wrong in teaching our young students about the concept of love. Is it really as cheap as getting candy-grams on Valentine’s Day? Or is it much deeper, like that of Jesus Christ on the cross? 

I strongly believe we need to be much more intentional with the way we teach (and model) “love” to our middle schoolers. We need to teach the biblical/Christian worldview of love; that is, love is laying down your life for another. Here are just a couple verses that help shape our Christian worldview of love:

1 John 3:16 – This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another.

1 John 4:10 – This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as atoning sacrifice for our sins.

John 13:34-45 – A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

What is the common thread in these three verses? What is the standard of love that is expressed? What is the best model of love we could ever provide our students?

None other than Jesus Christ.

It sounds like the “Sunday School answer.” It seems too easy. (Side note: my ministry professors in college warned us about the Sunday School answer. Some people are quick to give the easy answer when they’re in church. You can ask them what’s brown and furry and runs around in trees, and the answer you’ll get? Jesus, of course. Not a squirrel…).

But in order to teach a truly, distinctively Christian worldview on love, we have to invite our students into the story of Jesus Christ. We are always gripped by story. Stories are welcoming. Stories teach. We need to help students see their part in the love story of Jesus Christ.

Our middle schoolers see the “love stories” in movies like Twilight and in popular radio like Bruno Mars’ new “Grenade” song. Our students’ perceptions of love are being shaped by the world more than it is being shaped by Jesus and caring adult mentors. This has to change!

In February we spent the whole month doing a teaching series on real love from a Christian worldview. We wanted to help students see beyond the movies and music and understand the sacrifice and service that real love requires. We talked about love as a decision we make, not an emotion we feel. This goes beyond romance; this is how love was modeled by Jesus Christ for all humanity. In our students’ relationships with family members and friends, their love should be expressed in selflessness, not in the ugly narcissistic fashion we see in the world.

 What do your teenagers think about love? What shapes their worldview? What are you doing to teach and model real love to the students in your influence?

Changes

I want you to think about the most awkward feeling you had in middle school. Go ahead. Think back. Don’t keep reading this until you have an awkward feeling in mind. Got it? Okay.

Did you feel alone in that moment or experience? I definitely did.

When I was in middle school, I felt that puberty was my arch-nemesis. It was my Lex Luther, my Doctor Octopus, my greatest foe that always showed up when I least wanted it to. (For those of you who didn’t catch those references, I was referring to Superman’s and Spiderman’s greatest enemies. This whole thinking-back-to-my-middle-school-years thing got me thinking about the superheroes of my childhood!).

I hated puberty. It was awkward and always left me feeling like I was the only one in the room going through it. I remember sitting in English class after lunch in 7^th grade wondering if I was some anomaly of a human being who was being forced to change physically while everyone else grew normally. And, of course, there wasn’t a chance that I’d talk to anyone about it, because that would only lead to more awkwardness and the inescapable feeling that I was different from every other kid my age.

My response may sound over-the-top, but I don’t think my experience in middle school was unique. Puberty brings on this sense that “I am not normal” and increases the insecurities that already define the middle school years. I believe every student at some point wonders if anyone else feels the way that they do.

In our churches we talk about “wholistic ministry” with a general understanding that in order to love another human being we should care about more than just their spiritual state; we should care about their physical state as well. In the past 10 years we have had this incredible push in our churches towards pursuing justice for the poor that has resulted in an awakening for many nominal Christians. We are seeing that we can’t just preach at the homeless on the street; on the contrary, we’ve seen that to “be Jesus” to them, we need to care for their physical needs like providing them food, helping them get job training and housing, etc. I got the privilege in the summer of 2009 to do exactly this in Los Angeles with a homeless ministry out there. We understood that “to love your neighbor as yourself,” you must care for them in the SAME ways you’d care for yourself. I loved the focus on wholistic ministry.

Is there not an opportunity for wholistic ministry with our well-fed, financially healthy (i.e. dependent) middle school students as well? We look at our 11-14 year olds in the church and seem to care only about their spiritual state. Of course the church exists to care about their spiritual life, but why do we stop there?

I strongly believe that the middle school parallel of providing food for the hungry is helping them understand that the changes they’re going through are normal and part of God’s perfect plan for their bodies. We need to normalize their experience and help them understand that God’s way of loving them in their middle school years is to develop their bodies in unique ways.

Because we can’t see middle schooler’s emotions on their shoulders, we don’t often acknowledge them in the way we could acknowledge someone’s physical hunger. But the inner pain and insecurity within a student’s heart in middle school is enough to determine the direction of the rest of their life. If we don’t help them see the normalcy of their experience and see God’s hand upon their life, they may go through life wondering if God is a personal God and if He really cares about their daily life.

It is my opinion that in order to “love (your middle schooler) as yourself,” you must take the opportunity to affirm the way that God is growing their body. Sure, there is plenty of opportunity for awkwardness. But imagine the awkwardness that could result if you don’t say anything. This past January we did a teaching series in our middle school ministry called “Changes.” My whole focus was helping them understand that changes are inevitable in life, good or bad, but God’s hand is always upon us as we change. Change is essential for growth and maturity, and that’s a fact for our spirituality AND our physical body.

Do you think it’s important to talk to middle schoolers about the physical changes they’re experiencing? What does wholistic ministry with 11-14 year olds look like? What advice would you give other parents or youth workers when addressing this topic?

Back to Blogging!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be blogging again more frequently. I couldn’t keep up the frequency at which I was blogging last year and needed to take a break. But I absolutely love this age group and have been collecting thoughts to write about this year. If there’s a topic you’d like to see discussed, please leave a comment here or e-mail me at david_hausknecht@vanguardchurch.org. I’m always amazed by the vocal comments I receive in person and wish that these comments were included on the actual blog to stimulate more discussion. Whether you’re a middle school pastor, a parent, a teacher, or a student, you have input that we can all benefit from. So don’t hesitate to voice your opinions! I’m looking forward to more interaction with you all.

As one final note, I’d like to share a resource with you that I have found very helpful in my ministry with teenagers: CPYU.org. CPYU stands for the “Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.” It is tailored specifically with parents in mind and does a lot of current media research and reporting. For example, it can be very helpful for those of you who don’t have the time to watch a movie before telling your student if they can watch it or not. I encourage you to check out their website and browse around!

I pray that you will love your middle school student(s) authentically and that your integrity always be greater than your influence. God, give us patience and grace and help us to love our middle schoolers into a REAL relationship with you. Amen!

Understanding a Child’s Needs: Part 2

We’ve all seen it. Mom is in the line at the grocery store with her kid at her side. The kid sees a glorious, shining bag of M&M’s on the shelf and immediately grabs it in hopes of a delicious pre-dinner snack. Mom denies him of his deepest desire at that moment and ignites a series of cries, rants, speeches about unfairness, etc. The child does everything he can to control the outcome of the situation, but to no avail. The M&M’s remain in their proper place on the shelf.

Two weeks ago we talked about understanding the needs of a child. There are five general needs every child has: structure, nurture, challenge, engagement, and playfulness. But no matter how great of a parent or youth worker you are, there will always be a need or two that go unmet. When a need goes unmet, fear begins to creep in, and the child employs control strategies to compensate. It’s not too much unlike the situation in the grocery store. Although the child didn’t need the M&M’s, he felt that he needed them, and when he couldn’t have them, he employed his own control strategies to compensate.

This obviously affects the middle school student frequently as changes in his or her body start to create conflict with his or her environment. Many parents and youth workers don’t know how to meet the unique needs of a 6^th-8^th grade student, and as a result, those students try to control their environment with one of these strategies to reduce their fear and anxiety.

As presented by Kevin Rohrer, here are the four control strategies a child could employ when a need goes unmet:

First, there is aggressive control. One word to describe this strategy is fight. The kid will try to create predictable outcomes by leading his own life instead of the parents leading. This could result in temper tantrums or outbursts after being told “no.” Kevin noted that these kids could struggle to make or keep friends because he or she is too bossy.

Second, there is withdrawn control. One word to describe this strategy is flight. With this strategy, the child “attempts to reduce fear/anxiety by refusing to engage in anything he/she cannot predict an outcome for.” This child might avoid unknown situations, taking healthy risks, affection, and attempts to make friends. She might spend too much time alone as well.

Third, there is perfectionist control. One word to describe this strategy is performance. A child who employs this strategy will try to make things perfect or “just right.” Kevin said, “The child may experience extreme reactions to the failures, mistakes, accidents, and disappointments of self and/or others,” and they may struggle with lying.

Fourth, there is attention-needy control. One word to describe this strategy is approval. The child will attempt to control how others relate to him or her. This could be the “class clown” or the one who struggles with really clingy or needy behavior.

What control strategy did you use the most as a child? There might still be glimpses of it in your life now. The reason I ask this is because you can better understand your child or the students with whom you have relationship because of similar responses. I can look back and see very clearly that I employed the perfectionist control strategy throughout my teenage years. I wanted to make sure that nobody was disappointed in me, so I tried my hardest in every arena of life – academics, sports, music, etc. But when I fell short of being perfect, I’d try to fake it so people would still like me. This is hard to admit, but it’s important to understand so I can more effectively recognize these control strategies in my students.

The important thing to remember here is that there is GRACE for youth workers, parents, and students alike. We may guilt ourselves into thinking we’re terrible leaders because we see a control strategy being employed by our students as a result of their needs going unmet. But please remember, there are NO perfect parents or youth workers. There will be needs that go unmet. Read the entire Bible and you’ll see example after example of children whose needs go unmet by their parents all the time. Think of Joseph and the abandonment he must have felt after being sold into slavery by his brothers. Think of Absalom and the aggressive control he employed when some kind of needs when unmet by his father David.

The key here is understanding what those control strategies are, and when we see them, figuring out what need might be going unmet. The only way this will be possible is if adults engage in relationship with the child and know them deeply. This is why our middle school ministry will never be an entertainment-focused program that is all about the big show every week. I’d rather focus on the relationships between students and leaders so that our kids can be known and loved.

 Have you seen any control strategies being employed by the teenagers in your influence? How have you handled them?

Understanding a Child’s Needs

This past week I was fortunate to spend a much-needed vacation away from Colorado. Though it pains me to tell you that I spent my vacation in Indiana of all places, I have returned rested and refreshed. The reason – the only reason – I spent my vacation in Indiana is because of the close friendships and relationships I have there. When all was said and done, it was always about the people. The love and friendship I experienced in Indiana was a good reminder of the unique needs I have in my life.

We all have certain needs in our lives. You and I can probably articulate the needs we have more than a middle school student can. Some of those needs can be filled by anybody; some can only be filled by loved ones. There are surface-level needs – which may more aptly be called “desires” – like a middle school kid wanting affirmation for his clothing style, which he will look for from his peers. But then there are the deep-seated needs which only parents and trusted adults can meet.

On October 2 we had something called the “Faith Steps Summit” at Vanguard Church for our Grove Family Ministry. It was a focus group designed to create an environment where parents and ministry leaders could come together and discuss the topic of “Relationship Parenting.” After worshiping together, our guest speaker Kevin Rohrer from Shield of Refuge Counseling presented a talk on this topic before we all separated into age-specific breakout sessions to discuss the implications of his content for our kids.

Today I’d like to review one particular part of his presentation that focused on understanding every child’s needs. I think this is so important for us to understand as youth workers and as parents that I wanted to dedicate this week’s blog to this particular topic. Kevin articulated 5 specific needs that every child has. (I contribute all of the following content to his presentation. Further questions can be directed to him at shieldofrefugecounseling@q.com)

First, there is STRUCTURE. When a child’s need for structure is achieved, the child feels, “I am safe.” The child knows that she can trust her parents and they are able to take care of her. The parent leads, and the child follows. Structure includes the expectations and the rules that parents set in order to protect/teach the child about life.

Second, there is NURTURE. When a child’s need for nurture is achieved, the child feels, “I am lovable.” Kevin noted, “The parent is to provide healthy love, affection, and touch in order to teach the child his/her significance.” Another interesting point is that eye contact increases emotionality. When a parent makes consistent eye contact with the child, love is communicated.

Third, there is CHALLENGE. When a child’s need for challenge is achieved, the child feels, “I am capable.” Kevin noted, “The parent is to provide opportunities that encourage the child to stretch out and overcome our expectations of them.” In other words, give them chances to explore their capabilities and find out that they are skilled and gifted. The parents should show the student that they believe in their child!

Fourth, there is ENGAGEMENT. When a child’s need for engagement is achieved, the child feels, “I am significant.” When there is engagement, the parent pursues a relationship with the child and communicates that the child is interesting and fun to be with. I like to think of this in terms of how God engaged us. He sent His Son to be with us and suffer with us instead of staying removed from us outside of daily life. He gave us His presence as He engaged us.

Fifth, there is PLAYFULNESS. When a child’s need for playfulness is achieved, the child feels, “I am delighted in.” This obviously looks different for every age group, but even adults need to play every once in a while. A parent should provide chances for the child to play and for the parent to join in.

As I listened to Kevin present on the five needs of a child, I reflected on how all of these elements looked like in my life as I grew up. Where was there structure in my life? How was I nurtured? When was I challenged? Did I feel engaged? Was there playfulness? I want to issue you the same challenge. Wrestle through what these five elements looked like in your life. There is no perfect parent or perfect family, so there will always be one or two that are not as prominent as the others. And my guess is that you either neglect the same area or over-compensate in that area because you didn’t have it.

If you’re a youth pastor, leader, or volunteer, think about the students with whom you have relationships. Think about their home life. You might be able to guess what needs aren’t being met based on how they react in group settings. You’ll never be able to play the role of parent in your student’s life, but you can make huge steps towards becoming that trusted adult they need in their life if they don’t have it. In any case, try to partner with parents and communicate with them about their child. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt more capable of ministering to a student after great conversations with their parents. They have a much better glimpse into the student’s life than we ever could.

My biggest hope is that the church and the family don’t work separately to love their students into a relationship with Jesus Christ. We are much better in partnership than as lone rangers. Let’s open the communication lines and introduce them to the Savior, the Father who will meet every need they have!

 Next week I’ll continue debriefing Kevin’s presentation with “Control Strategies” that kids will employ when needs aren’t being met.

You are a Branch

Dryness. This is the best word I can think of to describe my spiritual state last week. All of my attempts to create spiritual growth in my life and our students’ lives felt like they were coming up short. Combine that with the sad news of the budget cuts at Vanguard Church and the pink eye I contracted from a roommate of mine, and it was a rough week. I knew I needed a mini-retreat.

When Friday rolled around, I removed myself from all my responsibilities and all people to dedicate the day to God. It all started with reading half of A.W. Tozer’s book God’s Pursuit of Man. It doesn’t matter what Tozer book I read; I always come away with a fresh insight about who God is and what my relationship with Him looks like. I highly recommend his books to anyone looking to be challenged with some classic Christian writing. Something in particular he said really stuck with me:

“He must count no time wasted which is spent in the cultivation of His acquaintance.”

Immediately I was struck by the amount of time I spend pastoring students in comparison to the amount of time I spend cultivating His presence in my own life. I wasn’t neglecting my own spiritual walk by any means, but I’m not sure if I was seeking Him with the fervor that is necessary for daily ministry with middle school students. But God continued to teach me more…

As I spent the afternoon praying and reading through scripture, God directed my attention to John 15, which incidentally was a passage I taught in the middle school group a couple weeks ago. Rather than summarizing the passage, I want to write it out for you so you can grasp the absolute importance of what Jesus is saying here:

 ¹ “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

    ⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

Jesus is saying clearly and simply that any fruit we produce is because the Father produced it first. A branch alone cannot produce fruit; it is dependent on the vine. Similarly, we cannot presume to produce fruit (i.e. spiritual growth, character, Spirit-filled life, kids that love the Lord, etc.) without abandoning all our efforts to the Lord in order to allow HIM to make the fruit.

When I’m working with middle school students, occasionally I catch myself becoming over-confident in my abilities. It is hard to admit, but I know there are times when I believe my relational and teaching skills will make me an effective youth pastor. I wouldn’t ever vocally admit this, but it’s amazing how those lies will creep in and set up camp if we don’t address them. Satan will tempt us into worshiping the gifts instead of the Giver of the gifts.

As I was reading the John 15 passage, I felt God speaking clearly to my spirit, “Remember that you are a branch; you are not the vine. You cannot produce fruit in your ministry or your life if you do not remain in me.” I almost feel silly talking about this “new” revelation I received from God, as if I didn’t know it before. But for me it was one of those “AHA” moments that I won’t quickly forget. I must be completely dependent on the Father if I ever want to see fruit in the Hive Middle School Ministry of Vanguard Church. I can’t make it happen. Our leaders can’t make it happen. Our parents can’t make it happen. It is the ability of Jesus alone.

After coming to this re-realization on Friday, I was excited to give up control to the Father. Yesterday’s middle school service was one of the most encouraging and exciting services I have ever been a part of in youth ministry. I stopped worrying about what I could do to create fruit and started praising God for what He was doing. Students were lifting their hands praising God in worship, learning what it means to live their lives as a living sacrifice for God, discussing the need for justice and involvement in Swaziland, and talking in the 8^th grade small group about what it means to be a leader and influence the younger students in the youth group. I left Sunday morning with so much joy and excitement for the fruit that God is growing in our students.

Now, in the influence you have with middle school students as a parent, volunteer, pastor, teacher, or otherwise, can you genuinely say that you completely depend on the Vine to bring fruit in the lives of your students?

Do you feel as if your attempts to create spiritual growth in your student(s) are coming up short?

Do you consistently lift up your student(s) in prayer to the Father?

Are you trying to be the Vine in your students’ lives?

Are you content with being a branch?

 My prayer is that we all (pastors, volunteers, parents, etc.) begin to recognize our ever-present dependence on God to bring fruit in the lives of our students before we exhaust ourselves with man-made attempts to transform. Our lives and ministries will only wither and die without the Vine.